Yeah, this! You could get his favorite game and ask to play at his house. Others covered a lot of this for me already, but the short answer is that at 7 and with autism, my son is really, really not ready to be placed in charge of inviting his friend over. BUT.is it because you assume that is the case when you happen to know someone was in the area and yet didnt drop round? My son and T still play with each other every day. Ooh I hadnt made that connection between eating and cleaning. It imposes too much on the person who lives there. I was overwhelmed because I felt I had to pack + entertain her. I have a people-energy budget made out for the week, and when people show up without asking, it annoys me at best-and also can be exhausting, depending on how high cost my week has been-and just the disruption to my budget without warning makes me annoyed. So then I instinctively want to police myself away from being That Person, etc.). What are you doing at the weekend? Instead of stating their full request, e.g. I would have a lot less anxiety about visitors if I could trust people to listen to what Im asking them to do in my home, whether thats taking shoes off by the door or sitting the fuck down when asked to. And I thought she didnt because she didnt answer my texts. B: Nice to see you! I put out little soaps shaped like sea shells and sometimes buy flowers or light a scented candle. Ask. Those good old days are likely to have sucked for people with anxiety disorders/other mental health issues/chronic pain/chronic fatigue. Im from a small, rural town, and in my small-town culture, people would routinely drop by your house if they were passing by and saw your car in the driveway, especially if you were close to them. I think Laura Ingalls Wilder imprinted that on me. It seemed like most people of my parents generation that I knew had a living room for visits, and a den for family.). But arkadyrose was talking about wedding with one person and another person inserted themself into the conversation. Day of, Ill send him a text asking hey is today still ok or should we reschedule. I expect that this is remarkably relevant to the whole I need to clean because someone is about to visit issue these days, houses are smaller than gentry-and-nobility houses, and we mostly dont have parlors separate from living areas. Remember, you're dealing with a girl and girls are very sensitive. My mom, my sister and I had come to town planned ahead of time to arrive at their house and have dinner. Me: Option 1: Ummmm okay I guess. Option 2: I dont want to do that *explain why*. It can be terrifying to have an unexpected knock on the door. Not everyone is commfortable having other people see the house in that state (and if you only just about have the spoons to manage those basics, you probably dont have the spoons to entertain anyone else, much less do extra baking or bothering with fancy soaps). My main issue is that everyone is so casual that nobody really helps with dishes/cooking/food shopping/cleaning/chopping wood/preparing bait and so partner and I end up running around from dawn till dusk, taking care of a bunch of drunk guys relaxing on our lawn and trying to make small talk with strangers. Its shame cleaning for me, because although I have battled my way out of squalor, my day-to-day living situation is still a good few degrees below what most people consider lived-in levels of clutter. It should be noted that I live in an area with notoriously shit cell reception, so sometimes people cant text or call. You might also find out what his favorite type of movie is and maybe find it on Netflix or disney+, then ask if you can watch it at his house. I wrote letters. Heres the difference between your pet peeve and the pet peeve of the person youre replying to. I like offering (and getting) a friendly out so that nobody feels pressured to miss, say, their favoritest band ever thats playing a special last-minute-announced show just because we had plans to sit around watching TV. really, i would be careful of discussing plans you made with someone who wasnt invited, partly to avoid hurting their feelings, and partly because, as someone else mentioned, its just not that interesting if youre not involved. Saying no can be hard for me, especially if youre at the front door. Or even worse try to get me to bring their kids along with my family on our vacations. No, not all cleaning in advance of company is shame-cleaning. Letter Writer, I hope this gives you some clarity, and lets you put your dads mean voice in your head to rest. Or at least for the text to come not while theyre sitting in my driveway I had to have an absolute tear down fight with my mum to get her to stop just dropping in on me and randomly eating entire afternoons that I had planned to do other things with. I second the excellent advice and on a side note, that movie is hilarious. thats okay. All the adults in the household work full time, they have kids, they have pets, they have physical disabilities couple any one of those with feelings of shame over a cluttered or messy living space, and youre there. If you think you are you could try. Even if it's occasionally fine, it isn't something anyone should make a habit of doing, or take it for granted as a way to hang out with people. This tactic has become so commonplace that many police departments counsel residents to always answer the door via intercom or by asking what the visitor wants (while keeping the door closed). Who DOES this? Not thinking. When I get back into the world we wont be able to do spur of the moment stuff any more either, but my real friends understand that, and also respect my need for privacy. Ill be back . Different strokes and all.). My friends are well aware that they can show up. A family member? Ill text you early next week and we can set something up., Them: I never get to see you. Or if Im entertaining Alice who is my sister-in-law I will feel fine talking about this family event, to which Bob- not my brother!- is not invited. I am finally on track to maybe getting hired on full-time at a law firm at a low (but better than nothing) salary. But something like a board game night or a party where everybody but one person was invited, yeah Id avoid that because it seems mean. When a guy has a thing for you, he'll want to talk to you all the time and as often as possible. Maybe by unpacking this for you we can make a lot of people feel more comfortable and less anxious about this. Which makes it especially annoying when they then go and ring my *mobile phone* after failing to get an answer from my home phone. Also for saying goodbye to the people you just visited. From my perspective, THEY were the rude ones, just dropping by and then lingering.forever. Ive had way too many experiences of feeling like Im intruding to do otherwise. I used to live in a basement apartment. Theres a difference between mentioning and discussing, though, eh? It hurts to be the one being downgraded, but when it happens the only thing to do is respect their wishes and give them space. You're not a late-night option and you're certainly not a 24-hour drive-thru pick-up window. People seem to vary widely, so Im a big proponent of Ask, not Guess. (Everyone else gets vacuuming if absolutely necessary, plus some spaces to sit down cleared off.). WITHOUT offering up an alternative or making a visible effort to make something happen. I *will* mind if they then invite themselves into my house, which I may or may not have cleaned recently, and the 10 minutes turns into 2 or 3 or more hours of unplanned socializing. Sometimes even if inviting yourself to something isn't technically the slickest way to end up at the event, it's still worth it to you to go. I dont see whats wrong with this type of text (or phone call) in general, though if a person has anxiety about getting texts / phone calls, I wouldnt do it so as to respect their feelings. We were working adults with careers, although not particularly demanding ones. I dont understand it. scheduled? Maybe her social expectations are different to mine or what I grew up with. Im still not sure how one knows the difference without being told explicitly so I still err on the side of isolating myself / not imposing my presence on people. I want you! And as an aside, its not stupid to not think of the landline, at all. Examples: Oh, Im in the neighborhood, Ill just come by your house. No. I mean, thats a short enough time that a drive can easily vary by that much depending on how you hit traffic lights. I know, but like I said up thread, Ive had a couple of friends in the past who would in fact regularly cancel that close to whatever-it-was, so I got in the habit for a while because I couldnt trust that plans were real. I wasnt invited (I know I wasnt, because I helped housemate put together the cute gingham ribboned cards while watching dancing with the stars). I guess she liked keeping people dangling. Now they just accept that they cannot ask to be let up to my apartment pretty much ever instead they ask if I want to do something or meet them downstairs. We actually moved to a new unit in our complex to get away from her. I have recently realized that these vague but powerful negative feelings I always had are called anxiety, and for me they always centered around dealing with other people. I have no idea what he said, because all I could do was sit there and think about how he was within a 5 feet direct viewing radius of our entire collection of underwear. Now that there isnt a standard, or at least not one I received, unexpected visits turn into waiting games with awkward dancing around getting someone to leave at the end. Even if Britney WAS DD as well, that wouldnt be the issue, and bringing in suggestions that shes just like a three-year-old are weird and ableist. Not every surprise visit was unwelcome. Coming over last minute and late at night isn't romantic. and there are a few people at church Ive invited. If he was on his way somewhere else then I could expect it to be short, but it could also turn into a give a mouse a cookie situation pretty quickly. Another thing you can do is call him up and say that the friends went to another party and that you have to wait for them since you do not have a ride home. Maybe in the past they've spent time with these people, but have felt ignored or left out, or like they were quiet and boring. I am definitely guilty of the are we still on thing. You didnt give that impression at all. My mother always really, REALLY hated unexpected guests and visitors, and if someone showed up unexpectedly she would be icily polite until they left and then bitch about them for hours afterwards and for the following couple of days. And the thing is, if theyd said whose house should we watch at? I would have volunteered. If Im in the neighborhood Ill text and say hey, Im having dinner at X if you want to join but thats the extent. Members of my family have actually used my disorganization as the butt of jokes (probably out of the misguided belief that they can embarrass me into becoming a neat freak), and then they wonder why I refuse to let them into my home. Certain people, certain times in my life, I have been 100% okay with showing up unannounced at their place and vice versa. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to this gathering. You'll make your life much simpler. Home vs. work,surprise! vs. planned, andyou inviting yourself vs. her inviting you,speak to escalating levels of intimacy. Im still trying to find the adult language to be, like, NO, your roommate-with-whom-I-am-only-casually-acquainted is NOT automatically also invited when you come visit and stay in my apartment in my new city, h-how, why, why would you think that would be the case? butmore kindly. I dont know if there are specifics that make that difficult to implement in this case, or if its just not the norm in your social group, but in many groups its a common social convention that a lot of people follow anyway. This feeling is only exaggerated when you know that Santa is going to be visiting your house and bringing you gifts. as possible. And at that point, you get to craft your own slow fade, being really really busy when their requests are made. Secondly I don't think he would even look at you if he wouldn't like you. Its like, are you going to show up on time, or are you going to be there in an hour? Like, we have the board game friends over for a movie except that one. January was a long time ago. At other times it's more inappropriate. Call or ask the guy in person. He wasnt working when I arrived-he was naked, getting ready to shower. And to the subject of unexpected visits. for interacting with friends; call it a friend-state. YEARS! They wonder if they should take charge and ask if they can come along, but they're also worried that everyone doesn't actually want them there. If they dont act like they like me (even if they actually do but dont bother to behave like they do), they obviously dont want to really be friends. *deep breaths* Its a pretty good rule of thumb for friending, as it is for dating, I find. And my husband, who works from home and had not planned to eat lunch with us because he is working, has to let you in and entertain you. Similarly, when someone picks me up, its easier for them to text me because I live in a basement apartment that you enter through a gate that locks from the inside. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Shes just rude. This sounds exactly like the developmental stage that our kid is going through shes currently grappling with the fact that other people wont always do things just because she demands it, and having temper tantrums when she gets confronted with that fact. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. Only me. Its worth asking in terms of, We would love to have T. over this month, when would be a good time? Its a little bit presumptuous, as the phrasing presumes that of course T.s parents would be delighted to have the playdateso if they for some reason arent okay with that, theyll have to use their Adulting Skills and make their refusal more clearbut right now the ball needs to be put in their court with a little more firmness. There are so many many reasons people might not enjoy a surprise visit. I agree I dont want someone showing up at my house unexpectedly without calling ahead. Its up to the visitor to remain mindful of the length of their visit (and the potential impact on others) so as not to overstay their welcome. They dont see the big picture, as the big picture conflicts with their fantasy. When our tabletop gaming group was new to one another, I had a few bachelors who would show up at my place early. 1. I need you to help me fix it! That seems like a perfect little interaction to me, am I missing something? Can you go to the toilet without panicking? Ever. My comment is still partially relevant however, in that it may feel more intrusive to have a visit at home rather than at work, given that work is a non-private space. Its at 7.30 on Thurs if youre still interested?* But no actual arrangement has been made just because both people have expressed interest in the concept of going. Its not a thing where assumptions will actually pay off. If youre not my bestie, I dont think you have a right to an explanation for why I invited you to Event A but not Event Very Like Event A. It may not be rude to you (and certainly is less invasive than just showing up), but as the comments here make clear there are a whole lot of people who dont like it when a friend invites herself to their home. And then people wouldnt call, and theyd say things to me later like, Oh, I didnt hear from you so I thought you didnt want to get together. So frustrating, as is that other Northern California custom of texting someone on the day of an event to say, Are we still getting together at X time? Well, of course we are I agreed, right? But heres what I thought of before looking through all the comments. I dont think you did it deliberately or out of meanness, but it can feel that way when youre trying to African Violet someone without telling them thats what youre doing. I was relieved when they moved out of state. If people arent showing up at your door because theyre worried its rude, you just have to let your friends know its okay: I love visitors, so feel free to drop by if youre ever in the area. 1.4. You know this, I'm sure . Anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no. If the guy doesn't seem interested in your suggestion to get together at his place, let it go and move on. Were living in the finished basement while the rest of it gets done. If not, the guide on how to ask a guy out on a third date would be a perfect read. Inviting yourself to someone else's house is presumptuous and rude. I am not good at dealing with such people. One of our more memorable conversations was when she was really annoyed with where I was parking my bike; most of the issue was that she felt like I was in the guest-space where she couldnt just say, Hey, move your bike. And I was parking my bike in the obvious spot and assuming if it was an issue theyd say something. 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